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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29028000">The Crisis of Infinite Kool-Aid</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallynotnatalie/pseuds/totallynotnatalie'>totallynotnatalie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>GWA - Fandom, Kool-Aid "Kool-Aid Man" Commercials, Original Work, gonewildaudio - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>90s References, Banter, Breaking Actual Walls, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Humor, Multi, Parody, oh yeah!, puns, shitpost</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:48:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,912</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29028000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallynotnatalie/pseuds/totallynotnatalie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a parody script about the Kool-Aid Man Multiverse...which I largely made up. Five Kool-Aid Men from different universes decide to ask the lister to which one of them is best by having the listener decide which one of them they would most like to fuck. It ends with a Kool-Aid gangbang because of course.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>AAAAA4A</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Crisis of Infinite Kool-Aid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a script for the GWA subreddits. Please contact me before posting a recording of this work anywhere else.</p><p>This content is intended for 18+ audiences only.</p><p>Feel free to modify the script to meet your needs.</p><p>Each Kool-Aid Man comes from a different Kool-Aid universe and each is based on a different period of advertising similar to how different world comic books character are based on different ages of comics. They are described briefly below: </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Golden Age. Traditional Advertising. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Extreme 80s/90s</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Dark and Ironic. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Minimalism, only says Oh Yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Modern day. Politics and Personal Branding.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*crash*</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: What up, bitch? </p><p>*crash*</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: We're the Kool-Aid Men. </p><p>*crash*</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Wanna fuck?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>(pause)</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Um hey...there are no walls left? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Well, you snooze. You lose. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh Yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Okay, but I thought this was supposed to be a fair contest. Remember, we all wanted to see which Kool-Aid Man reigned supreme? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: It is. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Yeah, last time I checked. No one is stopping you from being here. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: But what am I supposed to do? There nowhere for me to burst out of. We destroyed this person's living room. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: You could always just use the front door. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: I can do that? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: I really don't think I can do that. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Yeah, it's not even extreme. Why don't you try skateboarding in? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: No, that's your thing. I need something more unique...</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Dude, it's fine. No one can see you anyway, you're the limited editioned colorless Kool-Aid, remember? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: What? We can totally still see-</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Shh...</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: It still matters! I change color when they add the special powder. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: You mean drugs, man. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: No, I talking about Instagram filters.  </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: What? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5:Oh, I know. I'll give you a walk-in closet. Those are so trendy right now! It will really make you simp me. Hold on a sec...</p><p>*crash*</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Well, what do you think, bae? It is Instagram worthy? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: It's just another hole in their house. Why would they care? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Nah bro, wasn't even very radical. Ya should have added a 360. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: I wasn't talking to any of you. I was talking to them! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Whatever, now that we're all here. Can we please get on with this? They can decide who they want to talk for themselves in a minute. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah!</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Fine, it will hurry this process up. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: *sigh* I apologize for them...Sir...Madam...okay, to be honest, we've already fucked twice and I still have no idea what gender you are. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Because we don't care. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Because gender is a construct that can't be assumed based on one's genitals. </p><p>Kool-Man Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: No, because we, as giant vats of syrupy liquid, cannot possibly understand basic human anatomy. We are ignorant. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: *Extreme*ly Ignorant. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Anyway, Sir and/or Madam-</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Dude, there can be more than two genders. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: *Extreme*ly more. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: You've already made that joke once. Are you done yet? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Why be done when you can be crazy? Crazy for Kool-Aid! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Will you all shut up? Um..As I was saying...Sir...Madam..</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: *ahem*</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: I mean...human person...We couldn't taste but notice that you've been developing quite the taste for Kool-Aid. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: More like a taste for our cocks. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Well, they are-</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Don't say extremely delicious. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Fine. They are an *extreme* explosion of action-packed flavor. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: And very much something that we know that you stan. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Stan?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: It's a combination of stalker and fan. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Why would they need to stalk us? We routinely burst into their house. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Just to say WAZZUP! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Okay, no one says that anymore. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Whatever. Talk to the hand. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Somehow, I still think that is better slang than stan or simp. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: I don't care which terms we use. Say whatever you want. But please shut up long enough for me to explain to our guest what's going on. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: I think that you mean...WAZZUP! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: No. No, I didn't. Please Sir...Madam...</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Human. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Okay, human. We have a bit of a problem. You see, well um...some travel time stuff went kind of weird and all of us Kool-Aid Men crossed universes. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: It was totally whack.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: And not very socially responsible given that there is a global pandemic. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: We're made out of glass and corn syrup. We can't get sick, dude. We can't even spread the virus. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: We should still try to set a good example and be socially conscious. It's important to our personal brand. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Our brand? Our brand is fun. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Our brand is Kool-Aid. That's all it ever needed to be. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Our brand is knowing when to be quiet. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Dude, that is definitely not our brand. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Well, we can all find a new brand once we resolve this stupid problem. Um..you see human, the Kraft cooperation ran into a problem a few years ago. There were too many different versions of the Kool-Aid Man running around. So, they put us all in separate universes to make the storylines make more sense. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Except the fans didn't actually care and it wound-up making less sense. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Well, they tried. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Yeah, but who the fuck cares about the lore for a soft drink mascot? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: This person. This person cares. That's why we're here. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: We need you to pick which of us you like the best, human.  </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: We need to know. We've been arguing too much about who reigns supreme. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: And we figured that you would be the best person to ask since you've known us since Consent and the Kool-Aid Issue One. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Which may seem ridiculous, but we actually did have our own Marvel comic once.  </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: It's true look it up. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Look it up after you tell us which Kool-Aid Man is the best in the entire multiverse. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: And we mean for fucking. Not for drinking. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Well, they could do that too. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Yeah, I want that bitch to drink all of me. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Well, they have to pick their Kool-Aid first. And I'm not sure that they can even tell us apart anymore. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: How could they not tell us apart? I'm blue. I'm blue daba dee daba die. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Shut-up. Nobody needs to be reminded that that song existed. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Whatever, the 90s were great, man. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: If you want to try to sell that, fine. But I recommend that we each try to give them our pitch and they can pick whichever one they like best. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Ha, pitch. Get it? Like pitcher. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Boo! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Whatever, puns are trending right now. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Well, I'll *pun-ish* you if you don't stop. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Like you have the juice for it. Mr. Sugar-Free. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah!</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Hey, I prevent yeast infections. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: As if they want your nasty junk. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Well, they gotta pick somebody, don't they? Don't you, bitch?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Then let's actually explain who we are. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: I think that they've figured out that we're the Kool-Aid Man.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Technically, Kool-Aid Men </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Let me guess. Grammar is also trending right now?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Grammar is always trending. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Is explaining who we are trending? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: No?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Well, I'm going to do it anyway. You see each of us was created in a different era of Kool-Aid advertising. I'm Earth-One Kool-Aid Man. I'm the most traditional and typically best known Kool-Aid Man. Packed with traditional cherry flavor and a lover of amusing jingles. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: You're also as boring as fuck. Listen human, please don't pick him. I really don't want to think that you're that vanilla. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Don't you mean cherry? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: I certainly know how to pop one if you know want I'm saying. But I think I already did that in Consent and the Kool-Aid Man issue one. Remember, bitch? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Please, none of us need to be reminded of that. It's not Throwback Thursday. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: What?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Don't ask. You don't want to know. Just put me how of my misery and say your pitch already. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh Yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Wait, it's my turn? Yes! Hello Human! I'm 90s Earth-Two Kool-Aid Man. And I'm here to bring you back to when everything was extremes sports and Y2K. Bitch, I'm a totally unique special snowflake who's ready to show you a good time. And *bonus* I'm limited edition blue raspberry flavor because everything in the 90s was blue raspberry. I'm so blue for you too. Ha, I just hope you don't give me blue balls if you know what I'm saying. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Wait, wouldn't your balls already be blue? Like are they ever not blue? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: They are because he's enterally denied. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Yeah, at least I'm carcinogen-free unlike you red fuckers. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Whatever, I'm invisible. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: No, you're clear. Any idiot can still see an empty pitcher. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: And none of us were invented until after that red dye was taken off the market. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Hey, I'm just saying that they would still be taking a chance. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Well, they should take a chance on me. What up, bitch. I'm Earth-Three Kool-Aid Man. I was popular in the 00s when stuff started getting shitty and people started thinking that carbs were bad. I'm dark, blunt, and sugar-free baby. I'm here to mock you and rock your world. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: I don't know. I think that the bitch wants fun. Not aspartame. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Hashtag wrecked. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Oh, I don't think so. I can more than show them a good aspartame. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Dude, that was even worst than mine.  </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Hey, you're the one that said that puns were trending. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: And I'm the one who says to knock it off and let Earth-Four Kool-Aid Man have his turn to impress them. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Ugh, how? He can only say 'Oh yeah!'. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: See? Why did you even bring him?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: He said that he wanted to come. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah!</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Why because he said 'Oh yeah!'? He's incapable of saying no to anything. Of course, he wanted to come. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Might not be the only way he wants to come. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Don't encourage him. *sigh* Human, Earth-Four Kool-Aid Man became popular in a response to the brand minimalism that was popular after the 08 crisis. The marketing team thought it would be good to get back to basic so. So, they brought back more simplistic marketing. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: And he can only say 'Oh yeah!'. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: But he did choose to follow us here and he does understand everything we say, so he's probably fine with this plan. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: And he probably really wants to you suck his cock. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Um, at least he's enthusiastic if you're into that? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Okay, this is weirding me out. So, I'm going to say my pitcher. I'm Earth 5 Kool-Aid Man. I'm popular today. I try to keep up with the digital age and follow all the trends. Super passionate about social issues and hashtags. And my liquid starts off clear and turns a mystery color when you add water (or cum) to it...because surprise stuff is popular right now. Exciting, right? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: More like desperate. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Oh, don't hate me because I'm an influencer. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: I don't hate you because you're an influencer. I hate you because you're some sixty-year-old executive's idea of what an influencer looks like. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Plus, the 90s did it better. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Yeah, like I really want to live in an era where I can't text anyone. Phone calls give me social anxiety. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: They wouldn't if you actually tried them. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Why don't we try letting the bitch decide who they want instead. Come on, human. We've all said our piece. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: You mean pitch, liker pitcher. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Um, pitcher? I guess? Anyway, the time has come. You must choose. Tell us who you most want to fuck? </p><p>(pause)</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Wait, you want all of us? Dude, that's so awesome. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: More like a cop-out. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Fine by me if you don't want your juice to spill. I've got plenty for the bitch to drink. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Me too, baby. I can't wait for you to taste my blue raspberry. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Oh no, I'm not sitting out because the bitch is indecisive. If they want five flavors of Kool-Aid, they are getting five flavors of Kool-Aid. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Wait, how is this supposed to work? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Um, I think they have books about that. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: No, like with five of us. Does the human even have enough orifices? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: I mean...we could always make more. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: No, it's fine. I have a feeling that, if we just talk vaguely about what we're doing and don't mention any body parts, things will somehow work out. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Sure, whatever. I see no reason to question that. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Yeah, let's go bitch. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Fine, if this how you want to play. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Yeah, take my cock bitch.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: And mine in all it's blue icy goodness. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: I'm still so sugar-free and safe. And ready for you. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: My colorless cock has never wanted to you more. Oh, but it won't be colorless for long. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Come on, bitch. Fucking take us. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Let us give you our awesome Kool-Aid. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: All five flavors. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: We want to fucking taste every single one. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Yeah, taste that sweet corn syrup. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Or asparteme. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Or everything. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: It's time for our Kool-Aid to collide. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: And I'm too close to care that the pun was awful. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Come on, bitch. We need you. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Bitch, we're so close. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: All of us. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: And we all want to come at the same time. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Which is really unrealistic, but hey, we work in commercials.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: So give us what we want. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Let us drown you in Kool-Aid. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: And get our sweet juice all over you. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Oh, we're all going to give it to you. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Yes, yes. I'm ready.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Oh, me too. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: No, dude. You're Kool-Aid Man 3. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Kind of not important right now. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Five are you ready or not?</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: No, I'm ready. I'm so ready.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Four? You good, dude? </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Okay, then on the count of five. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: One.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Two. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Three. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Okay, whatever. Close enough...Five. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Oh, fuck.</p><p>Kool-Aid Man 2: Yes, yes. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 3: Give it to me. </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 5: Oh, oh. </p><p>Kool-Aid 4: Oh yeah! </p><p>*crescendo of Kool-Aid Man orgasms that is just people yelling 'Oh yeah' over and over again* </p><p>Kool-Aid Man 1: Fuck, bitch. You're amazing. We'll have to swing around this multiverse again sometime.</p>
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